Screwing with Zelda
by Evelyn Dark
Summary: Two Legend of Zelda characters wind themselves on the floor in front of two crazy fan girls. Can the two girls hide the Links, or will they get busted. Purely crack and random!
1. Holy Shoe!

_**Evelyn Dark:**_ Don't ask and just read.

_**Disclaimer: I, Evelyn Dark, do not own Legend of Zelda. That's why Link hasn't made a restraining order on Ema. And I technically own Ema and Yenaa since I'm the one who came up with the names with my friends for code names. Sooooo… yuyu484, Hannah, got nothing on me!**_

_**Warning!:: This fic is purely crack and is not suppose to make sense most of the time.**_

«Screwing with Zelda»

Written by:: Evelyn Dark

Chapter 1

HOLY SHOE

Once again it was another boring summer for the two girls; once again boredom had won over the cheese. With boredom in reign of their little country of 'oh noes!'; the two look at each other with wide eyes. Both not even daring to blink their eyes; even though one is bound to lose because of her contact lenses.

"I am sooo not going to lose!" Ema says with her crude colored eyes look at the gray eyes of another.

"Over my dead body!" Yenaa yells, slamming her hand on the table. Then a few seconds later she finds herself moaning in agony of the dry contact lenses and blinks.

"HAH! In your face!" Ema yells point her finger at Yenaa, and starting her 'I win, in your face' dance. While Yenaa continues to rub her eyes because she forgot to take her contact eye drops, which is pretty stupid on her part for even doing a staring contest when she was bound to lose anyway.

"You just won because of my contacts," Yenaa replies hotly. Ema stops her 'I win, in your face' dance to stick her tongue out and roll her eyes.

"Uh huh…. Suuuuuure it did. And I'm the Queen of England!" Ema replies snarky to Yenaa.

"I thought you were Italian and Irish?" Yenaa ask dumbly. Ema gasps and rushes to Yenaa; grabbing her left arm and covering her mouth. She looks around a few times suspiciously as Yenaa just stands there with a confused look on her face.

"Quiet..That's top secret and if the rabid muffins know of it, my kingdom of fluffy kitties will be overtaken with pastries." Ema says in a harsh whisper as Yenaa's eyes widen in shock.

"homf knoe," Yenaa says in shock, her eyes traveling around in suspicion as well. As Ema removes her hand from Yenaa's mouth as she looks around with a shifty look before running towards the wii remote and placing a certain game into the consol. "Let's play Zelda..I'm a little stuck on the water temple and I, as always, hate it!"

"Who doesn't hate the water temple on the Zelda games." Yenaa replies as the two plop themselves onto the couch with Ema's family's many white laundry.

"Alright you're going to 'help' me, but no can know okay?" Ema says as Yenaa nods her head with a smirk. "Cause I wanna say that I finished this game on my own and say ' Hah! In your face' to my brother."

So as the two play the game with Yenaa's many confusing directions in the water temple, and her failing to realize that the game is mirrored to the GameCube game, Ema once again causes Link to fall to his death.

"Are you sure you don't need my help?" Yenaa asks.

"YOU FACE!" Ema replies angrily as she once again make Link plummet to his death with agonizing screams.

"You know, I bet he's angry with you for making him fall multiple times in a row," Yenaa says with a snicker.

"Ya well, Link likes it. Like when he did it with your mom last night," Ema replies sarcastically with some frustration at the game.

"Well Link liked it when he was doing a threesome with your mom and dad last night." Yenaa comebacks.

"Yo mama is soo fat that she has… high blood pressure, and …uh …diabeteses!.. YEAH!" Ema replies snarkly before the two comes into a fit of giggles. Which once again causes Link to fall down to his death and cause the two to starting laughing even harder. Then causes Yenaa to choke on her own laughter and she fall to the ground from the couch. Finally getting a hold of herself; she gets up and sits down next to a very determined Ema.

"You know, with all this 'Your mom and dad doing it jokes'. Link could be a manwhore." Yenaa says thoughtfully, which makes Ema 'psshhs' her.

"He's still sexy though, and I love him!" Ema says warmly as she hugs the wii remote and causes, once again, Link to fall down to his death.

"Poor, poor Link….." Yenaa says with her hand over her heart.

"He was one sexy man," Ema says with a sad look with her wii remote and nunchuck held closely to her heart.

Then the lights flicker out.

"AAAAAHHH THE RABID MUFFINS HAVE COME FOR US!" Ema screams as she goes in to bouts of short raspy screams.

"Woops.." Yenaa says with a nervous laugh as she grabs for Ema to stop her screaming. With a quick bright light, the two cover their eyes in shock.

"AAAAAAAHHH THE LIGHT! IT BURNS!" Yenaa screams now, clutching her eyes in agony. Blinking a few times, she tries to regain her vision as Ema nudges her. Ignoring Ema she continues to blink and rub her eyes, getting another nudge she looks up from her hands to glare at Ema.

"WHAT!" Yenaa yells as Ema points at something. Looking over to the pointed area she blinks a few times.

"Ooooohhhh." Yenaa says with wide eyes.

"Yeaaaahhh." Ema says dreamily, her eyes staying on the objects of attention.

"I CALL DIBS ON TWILIGHT LINK," Yenaa yells with her hand raised up in the air as she looks at Ema.

"WHAT?! No!" Ema screams as she looks at Yenaa angrily

"You can have the Hero of Time," Yenaa replies calmly.

"…what?!" Ema yells once again.

"I called him a long time ago!" Yenaa says, sticking out her tongue.

"Nuh uh!" Ema retorts.

"Uh huh~!"

"Nuh uh!"

"Uh huh~!"

"Nuh uh!"

"uh huuuuuaaaaahhhh!!!!" Yenaa screams out as something wraps around her ankle. Freaking out, she manages to trip and fall on the Twilight Link who groans at her weight. As she looks down to find his hand around her ankle she smirks at Ema.

"He claims me, HAH!"

"FINE!"

_**Evelyn Dark:**_ Don't ask me what possessed me to write this, but I just did. Well it also could be the fact that my Friend, Ema, and I were doing exactly the same thing with playing the Twilight Princess. I was helping her out secretly and we started with the 'Your mom and dad doing it' comebacks on Ema causing Link to fall multiple times, then it ended up with Link being a sexy manwhore. Then were started to talk about how The Legend of Zelda would be screwed up with Ema there and there you go. That's how the story was born. Mind you I might not update this story much, and it might be dropped. If I'm not motivated enough anyway. –wink wink-

P.S. FLAMES ARE WELCOMED.__. I've never had a flame.. and I want one sooo bad!


	2. Save Princess Ema!

_**Evelyn Dark:**_ Okay…so my update is a little early. But then again I don't really have a schedule planned out, so you could say that my updates on this will be very random. As in, fast and slow, at times. I would also like to thank these readers for their reviews.

_**Ziggy9677  
**__**And  
**__**mkm () [who just so happens to be an anonymous reviewer…yay!]**_

_**Disclaimer: I, Evelyn Dark, do not own Legend of Zelda and neither does mkm (). So we both fail and do not own Link. Sooooo… my handcuffs that I bought on sale will rust now. ;__;**_

_**Warning!:: This fic is purely crack and is meant to be random. So don't expect most of the stuff to make sense.**_

_**-----**_

_«Screwing with Zelda»  
__Written by:: Evelyn Dark  
__Chapter 2  
__Save Princess Ema! _

_**-----**_

"_He claims me, HAH!"_

"_FINE!" _

_~~*~~_

"Can you please get off of me?" Comes a muffled sound from under Yenaa's behind.

"Oh, yeah. If you'll let go of my ankle," Yenaa says as her ankle is released. Getting up with a bounce she turns to the two Hylians laying on their floor, okay Ema's floor technically but Yenaa wasn't going to say that. Which might make Ema say that since they're on her floor, she owns them. As the two Hylians get up from the floor the busy themselves with dusting off their green dresses tunics. As the Hero of Time looks up from his dusting, he notices the two girls staring at him with the looks of 'I'm gonna rape you! Yay!'.

"Uh who are you two?" Hero of Time asks. We'll call him Fairy Boy.

The two girls exchange glances before looking back over to the two boys with their hands held in the front and legs spread apart.

"I'm Lieutenant Fluffyburges, and this," Ema says pointing to Yenaa. "Is my partner Lieutenant Puddlewings."

"We're from the interdimensional Police of Illegal Traveling, IPIT." Yenaa says as well. Both boys look at each other with confused looks, unsure of what's happened why the other looks like the other.

"We're going to have to strip search you for any weapons," Ema states as she flicks her head towards the two boys for Yenaa to get to work. As Yenaa walks forward, Fairy Boy jumps back.

"Woah! I have no idea what the hell you two are talking about!" Fairy Boy yells. His left hand twitching for his sword. Yenaa steps back as she looks at Ema with a look.

"Besides..you two don't look like officers." Twilight Link states quietly. We'll call him Mr. Green.

"I like him Lieutenant Fluffyburges." Yenaa says to Ema. "I say we give him a break for only 400 years in jail?'

Ema puts her finger to her chin, closing her eyes as she gives off the 'I'm thinking' kind of look. Which Yenaa knows that she never thinks, and isn't even sure if there's a brain there.

"Yes… I suppose that would be best." Ema states. "Besides we don't look like officers so no one knows."

"We know," Fairy Boy says while Mr. Green nods his head.

"We can't allow you to walk around with your weapons I'm afraid," Yenaa says. "Allow you two to walk around like idiots with dangerous weapons would get us into trouble."

"Uh huh. They might hang us by our toes under a boiling pot of oil," Ema says with a straight face. "So please hand them to us."

Fairy boy stands there for a second, thinking of just making a run for it before Mr. Green unstraps his sword and shield. Fairy boy walks up to Mr. Green with a shocked look.

"What do you think you're doing?" Fairy Boy says in a harsh whisper. Mr. Green blinks a few times before replying.

"Handing my weapons over…" He states slowly.

"They could be assassins." Fair Boys says. The two look at the girls, who just happen to be giggling in a mad fit and Yenaa just happened to trip over a chunk of air while Ema trips over her. The two heroes look back at each other.

"uh huh.. deadly," Mr. Green says sarcastically with a roll of his eyes. Before allowing his sword and shield to clank to the floor. Fairy boy bites his lips as he looks at the struggling girls as he sighs and takes off his sword and shield.

"This seems sooo wrong."

**-----**

"Okay, I'll take Mr. Green to my house and he'll stay with me. While Fairy Boy stays with you, right?" Yenaa asks Ema who is too busy staring at Fairy boy as he polishes his shield. As Yenaa leans across the table, she snaps in front of Ema's face to get her attention. Ema turns to Yenaa and nods her head dumbly. "Don't rape him, okay?"

Fairy Boy looks up from his polishing to look at the girls with a confused look at the rape part. The two girls wave at him and smile creepily.

"What's this?" Mr. Green asks he looks at the technology which just so happens to be a mixer with Ema's fruit smoothie that she had just made. As he looks at the mechanism with curiosity, he reaches down to touch the blue button.

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" Ema yells as the mixer is turned on with no lid on. As the mixer whirs to life, Mr. Green freaks out and runs away like a little girl. Okay maybe not like a girl, but it was still hilarious. That's when Ema runs for her life to the mixer as she's sprayed in the face by some fruit smoothie and falls backwards on her butt.

"I'll save you Ema!" Yenaa hollers as she runs towards Ema only to freak out as more fruit smoothie is sprayed around.

"You're on your own!" She yells as she runs and hides behind Mr. Green. Taking the moment to hold on to his clothing and smell deeply. "Ahhhhh…"

"Don't worry, Ms.. er Fluffyburges…I'll save you," Fairy Boy says valiantly as he charges forward with his sword and shield. As he uses his shield to block the sprays of fruit smoothie; he slashes his sword forward and kills the horribly mixer monster. As he scrambles for Ema, he picks her up with a smile. "You okay?"

"Yeah. But you totally killed my mixer!" Ema yells as she points at the cleaved in two mixer.

"Heh.. sorry," Fairy Boy says rubbing the back of his head.

Yenaa walks forward with a Mr. Green being dragged by his hand near here.

"There is a button to turn it off as it is to turn it on, you know." Yenaa states, slightly looking Mr. Green at the ' turn it on' part. He smiles sheepishly.

"I need a towel and a shower, be right back! Don't kill them by the time I'm back!" Ema yells as she walks a few steps forward before slipping on a fruit smoothie puddle.

"RARE YELLOW AFRICAN SNAIL!"

"Let's play poker….or strip poker" Yenaa says with a wiggle of her eyes brows as she drags to the two heroes to the table; making a deck of cards magically appear from her leather jacket.

**-----**

_**Evelyn Dark: **_hn… I'm not so sure.. maybe this isn't as random as I hope…eh..It'll do for now. Until next time people!

_Advices are laughed at, Flames are loved, and reviews are appreciated. 8D_


	3. Dr Pepper

_**Evelyn Dark:**_ Hey, it's been a few days, and I thought. 'Why not just write a new chapter on Screwing with Zelda, since I might as well as do something other than playing Mabinogi.' So here I am giving you the third chapter.

_**Disclaimer: **_**I, Evelyn Dark, do not own Legend of Zelda, but I do, in a sense, own Ema and Yenaa.**

**WARNING!: This fic is purely crack and is meant to be random. So don't expect most of this stuff to make sense.**

_**-----**_

_«Screwing with Zelda»  
__Written by:: Evelyn Dark  
__Chapter 3  
Dr. Pepper  
__**-----**_

"_RARE YELLOW AFRICAN SNAIL!"_

"_Let's play poker….or strip poker" Yenaa says with a wiggle of her eyes brows as she drags to the two heroes to the table; making a deck of cards magically appear from her leather jacket._

~~*~~

"Now I feel clean and spiffy!" Ema calls out as she walks out of the bathroom with a new set of cloths on. Walking into her dining room she finds a smirking 'Puddlewings' shuffling a deck of cards with her feet on the table, while Mr. Green is sitting with that 'I have no idea what's happening but I'm glad I'm not Fairy Boy', and then there was Fairy Boy. Sitting on a chair shivering with his lack of a tunic on; poor guy.

"What are you doing…Puddlewings?" Ema asks, slightly drooling at the shirtless or tunicless Fairy Boy. Yenaa just looks up from the deck and smiles at Ema with an innocent look.

"We're just playing a little card game." Yenaa says with a sincerer 'I'm not doing anything bad, he just sucks at poker' look.

"Feet off table and give him back his tunic," Ema says with the authority tone, while Yenaa completely ignore it.

"You mean his dress?" Yenaa asks.

"It's a tunic damnit!" Fairy boy yells shivering. Guess the fact that Yenaa turned up the AC and turned on the fan did not help his current situation. Giving a shrug, she throws the tunic at his face and gets up while magically making the deck of cards going away.

"It's about time you go home as well." Ema says sadly as Yenaa starts tearing up. The both start bawling as they run up to each other and start hugging. Yenaa crushing Ema in a hug, while Ema is gasping for air and trying to get out of Yenaa's bone crushing hug. As the two separate they both nod their heads as Yenaa beckons for Mr. Green to follow her.

"Come on, you're under my custody until we can find a way for you to get back home." Yenaa says as Mr. Green nods his head and follows her out the door to her little buggy. As Yenaa opens her car door to get in she finds Mr. Green just standing there and looking at it. Sighing to herself she gets out and goes around the car to open the door for him.

"Get in." Yenaa says as Mr. Green just stands there dumbly. Not really sure of what to make of this ..thing. "It's like a horse, except the way your ride it is different."

"Ohh…" Mr. Green says as he manages to get himself in the car. As Yenaa gets around the car again she remembers she left her keys at Ema's house.

"Crap tasting chocolate monkeys!" Yenaa says quickly as she runs off back to the house and seems to catch her army boot into the stair and trips up it. As she quickly gets up she looks around for anyone who had seen it; she dusts her leather jacket before opening the door quickly only to be blinded. "GAH! My virgin eyes!"

Ema and Fairy boy break apart from their making out match, which just looked like them smashing their heads together and moaning in pain! Yenaa quickly grabs her keys and runs down the stairs only to trip on a rake and fall on the ground. Quickly getting up she kick the rake making it fling off and hit her car. "Noooo… my baby!"

"I'm sooo sorry!" Yenaa says teary eyes as she runs her hands up and down the car, rubbing her cheek on the sleek surface.

"Um….are we going?" Mr. Green asks. Yenaa nods her head before running to get into the car and starting the car; which just happens to remind Mr. Green about the mixer and he just sits there rigged with his eyes open wide. Yenaa only snickers as she switches the gear to drive and slams the accelerator as they speed off onto the highway.

"TOGA!"

**----**

"I don't want to ride on your horse anymore…" Mr. Green whimpers.

"I don't want to see Fluffyburges having a hot session of snogging with Fairy Boy…" Yenaa whines.

As Yenaa opens the door to her house she allows Mr. Green inside.

"I'ma thirsty for some Dr. Pepper." Yenaa says loudly. While Mr. Green just stands there wonder who Dr. Pepper was. A healer or someone?

"Well I be damned! Dr. Pepper isn't here." Yenaa yells from the kitchen. Running back to the door she looks at the confused Mr. Green. "Stay or I'll sic my Ina on you."

Mr. Green nods his head, not wanting to get mauled by a dog. Even though really he'd just be mauled by a girl who will take any opportunity to drool over a hot guy. As Yenaa peals out of her drive way, Mr. Green merely stands there with a look of not know what to do next. As such he starts to explore the place, meeting up with Mr. Washer.

_**----**_

_~~*~~Phone conversation with Yenaa and Ema~~*~~_

_Ema: HELLO MY LITTLE SLAVE!_

_Yenaa: I ain't your slave, woman!_

_Ema: Yeah, anyway. If we're going to have these two coming with us, they need cloths._

_Yenaa: noooooo don't say it…._

_Ema: We're going shopping…_

_Yenaa: ……..WHY!_

_Ema: …we'll stop by the video game shop…_

_Yenaa: HELL YES WE'RE GOING!_

_Ema: Nerd_

_Yenaa: Your mom is a nerd_

_Ema: My mom doesn't know her times table._

_Yenaa: ….good point…Well I'm off to Dollar General to get some Dr. Pepper._

_Ema: really? You left Mr. Green?_

_Yenaa: yup…I need Dr. Pepper after my traumatizing experience a few minutes ago._

_Ema: I'll go meet you there..I need some stuff too._

_Yenaa: YAY! We're ditching the Links at our house…. _

_Ema: I feel sorry for you…_

_Yenaa: SHIZY MCMYER FLUFFYBURGE.. how dare you….take the cheese out for milk.._

_Ema: HOW DARE YOU! LOLI FRAPENSDURGAN PUDDLYWINGS….take my spud baby…_

_Yenaa: I thought you didn't want the spud baby._

_Ema: I WANTED MY SPUD BABY!_

_Yenaa: damn.._

_Ema: I'ma slap you when I get there…LANGUAGE!_

_Yenaa: …shiz………_

**----**

**Evelyn Dark:** Don't ask why I had the phone conversation at the end…I couldn't think of anything else..and well.. yeah. Enjoy the less randomness and crap tasting chocolate monkeys…


	4. Mr Green vs Mr Washer

Evelyn Dark: Once again I feel like updating because I got all of these lovely reviews :3

_**Disclaimer: **_**The Links own me. Who wouldn't want to be owned by the links 3**

**WARNING!: This fic is purely crack and is meant to be random. So don't expect most of this stuff to make sense.**

_**

* * *

**_

_«Screwing with Zelda»_

_Written by:: Evelyn Dark_

_Chapter 4_

_Mr. Green vs. Mr. Washer_

_**

* * *

**_

_Ema: I'ma slap you when I get there…LANGUAGE!_

_Yenaa: …shiz………_

~~*~~

"That lady was soo not nice" Yenaa says as Ema and her walk out of Dollar General. The two having been kicked out of the store when Yenaa started to harass one of the other customers on which Dr. Pepper bottle she should use. Of course this isn't exactly a usually occurrence, since the girls usually spend their time harassing the customers of Wally World a.k.a. Wallmart.

As the girls separate to their original cars, both open the door before the two realize something completely weird.

"Oh my GNOME~! Mr. Green is going to kill my washer~" Yenaa screams.

"Forgot to buy milk~" Ema says after.

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooo~"

* * *

As Yenaa and Ema skip up to the steps of Yenaa's door, Ema being there because she felt that Yenaa's ordeal was far worse than hers, and open the door to find an unsightly …sight. Clad with his sword in hand and the shield positioned on his arm; Mr. Green looked ready for battle. Soapy water covering the floors leading into the kitchen from the dining area.

"What happened here~!" Yenaa yells in a totally calm manner. Her face is totally not red and full of fury. Quite frankly the girl isn't even holding an umbrella. Therefore, she's totally not going to throw the umbrella at Mr. Green's head.

_**WHAM!**_

"Whoa..nice aim." Ema comments at the laying form of Mr. Green, and the 'harmless' blue umbrella a few feet away. As Yenaa clenches her hands together with fury still evident in her face, she stalks forward towards Mr. Green and stomps her foot on his chest.

"What. Did. You. Do. Here?" Yenaa says each word individually through clenched teeth. Mr. Green looking at her with wide eyes before starting to squirm under her foot.

"That…..thing tried to attack me~!" Mr. Green says in defense. Yenaa's eye twitches a fraction before she gives one more stop to the man's chest and stalks off towards the kitchen area. Getting close to the laundry area, her mouth opens wide. Her washer is completely unharmed, but she couldn't say the same thing to the laundry detergent.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"

"I think she's cracked…" Ema says with relatively calm demeanor.

"….Sorry?" Mr. Green replies. Picking himself up he's met with a broom to the face, once again falling to the ground.

"You're going to clean your mess, and you're going to do it nicely~!" Yenaa commands harshly. Taking the mop and hitting Mr. Green a few times.

"Yes, M..M'am!" Mr. Green says quickly before rushing off with the broom and mop to the laundry room.

With Yenaa and Ema both standing there quietly, the two look at each other with a smile creeping up their lips.

"You thinking what I'm thinking, Yenaa"

"Do I get a video game?"

"Hmm..we'll stop by to get one…" _**Smirk**_

"Um…I'm not going to like this..am I"

"ROAD TRIP~!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

* * *

_**Evelyn Dark:**_ That was short…but it'll be extra long for the next chapter. ZOMG there's a plot~! What more tragedies will befall the two girls? What about the links? Will they survive this long trip of dooom~!?

Also I finally found out how those ass of writers do the line breaker .___.

Thank you **_Micheal Kururugi_**~


End file.
